"To The Future"

We're supposed to have hopes and ambitions
Through our exciting defining early years
Now I'm in my late forties sat in a laundrette
Regretting all my fears.
I was scared of being a poofter
Ostracised, beaten up or worse
Instead of being happy
I felt being gay was a curse.
Outwardly I gave the appearance of 'normal'
Though maybe a tad strange in the head
If only people had realised
How fucked up inside I was
And would rather have been dead.
Now that most of my life has gone
I'm only starting in ME to believe
Nothing massive just little things
But from within I can achieve.
Occasionally something goes right
And I get a bit of praise
Something that's so natural
But I struggle to cope on those days.
For I'm used to feeling a failure
The worst runt of the litter
So many negative thoughts in my head
Fighting the ease of being bitter.
Truth is I'm scared of failure
Which has been the story of my life
And when people say to me "well done"
It cuts me like a knife.
It's something I'm not used to
An ordinary pat on the back
I'm used to feeling worthless
How to enjoy praise I lack.
My entire life has been an existence
Rather than a joy
Always letting friends and family down
Walking disaster man and boy.
Now when I take a pigeon step forward
And have done something that's fun
I expect the psotive to come crashing down
And back to shitty old square one.
So many mistakes I've made
I don't want a life full of regret
What I should really be saying
Is maybe, just maybe,
There's something in me yet.
Somehow I've got to be positive
And accept what I have got
The last 48 years are in the past
Time to leave the negatives to rot.
In the past whatever's been wrong
Well I can't turn wrong into right
I realise I've been no angel
But I'm sick of a lonely cry at night.
Just a cuddly toy for company
Which isn't that bad a curse
For in the last couple of years I've been lucky
And discovered the comfort of rhyme and verse.
Maybe what I'm trying to tell myself
Is that it's not too late to smile
And it's actually not such a terrible thing
To feel proud of yourself once in a while.

Dulwich Poet 4th January 2015

(This one is about my lack of confidence, and that I feel I've achieved nothing with my life; but also that I would like to try to turn things round, while there's still time.)