"All Poets Are Cunts"

This was the name of someone else's poem
Down the years I've pulled off some stunts
But can I knock up a rhyme
That basically calls all poets cunts?
Would that therefore include me
Yes, I suppose it should
If you think I qualify as a cunt
All well and good.
So who are the ones who are
The ones who get my goat
The ones that annoy me
Who get my poetry cunt vote?
First of all it's called Spoken Word
The clue is in the name
Don't give me your failed comedian routine
It's not the fucking same.
Polite applause if you like me
If not please mutter and tut
But none of that clicking your fingers
It really does my nut.
Headliners and features
You should have your set planned
"I was going to do this but now might to that.."
Is what I really can't stand.
You've had a month of planning
You're here to entertain
All your indecisiveness
Starts to drive me insane.
Don't get me started on floor spots
The ones who over-run
If only this were America
I'd shoot you with a gun.
You might not like my poetry
Think I'm a bit of a cock
Fair play I can cope with that
At least I stick to the clock.
Then there's the talkative hosts
Who I don't really wish ill
But if you want to be centre of attention
Put yourself on your features bill.
As for the ones who turn up
And fuck off after they've read
Now matter how good they are
Total cunts it must be said!
It's like going to a football match
And pissing off at half-time
I can't understand your reason
Never mind your rhyme.
As if poetry cunts aren't enough
There's Poetry Wankers as well
I give you Shoreditch and Dalston
Those middle class tossers from hell.
I'm talking about those hipsters
Who I take the piss out of when I write
Laughing at themselves as I do
Too dumb to even bite.
Despite the title of this poem
Poetry I really like
You can't all be total cunts
Or I wouldn't come to Open Mic.
There's 'Diamond Geezers' Like Ernie
Who has nights like Platform 1
A weird and wonderful variety
That makes it such fun.
Not forgetting the headliners
That keep it weird and fresh
None more so than tonight
A talented lad called Spesh!


Dulwich Poet 19th August 2017


( After going to the August 'Platform 1 Poetry' at the Poetry Café, I went over to the pub for a drink after, with the host, and a few of the poets. In the random conversations Ernie, the host mentioned that he one wrote one called 'All Poets Are Cunts'. Also there was Spesh, who is one of the feature poets next month. I took the title as a 'challenge' and am going to 'surprise' them by reading this at the upcoming September event, in a few weeks, as part of my five minute Open Mic slot)