"Ten Years On"

They say life begins at forty
When I was too scared to jump
Sitting on a Brussels window-ledge
In mental pain but scared of the thump.
Now it's almost New Year
Soon to be fifty years of age
And I've got this nagging feeling
I'm reaching my final stage.
The only thing I will miss
Is seeing people say goodbye.
I'd love to those who don't care
As well as those ewho cry.
I've got this far not achieving
Life's been one BIG fail
I feel I've been one HUGE disappointment
Leaving despair in my trail.
I've hurt so many people
Family and friends
Not wanting to melodramatic
But I can't see where it all ends.
Yet as I get older...
I realise I've got a heart
But I feel everything's passed me by
To try and make a fresh start.
My life is really shitty
Even though I've come on leaps and bounds
In my head I've got no future
I know how crazy that sounds.
Every time I move one step forward
I get knocked two steps back
What the fuck is wrong with me
What is it that I lack?
My life has been an 'existence'
Rather than a life at all
Depending on what mood I'm in
I want to walk tall.
All the things I've done
All the things I've never been
Can I do anything with my life?
That remains to be seen.

Dulwich Poet 26th December 2015

(It's almost New Year, & next year I will reach 50 year-of-age. Part of me is looking forward to it, part of me is not. I feel I'm at 'Last Chance Saloon' & life never really 'began' at forty...)