"Piggy In the Middle In My Head"

Torn between two things
Story of my life
Not one or the other
Talk about strife.
Feeling fucked up in the head
To such an extent
I sometimes want to be dead.
I don't have a life
I just exist.
Not crazy enough to be mad
Too insecure to be a lad
My whole life has been a constant rut
Hiding my feelings like a closet nut
On the outside people think I'm fine
But inside I'm a constant
Flashing disaster sign.
Desperately holding things together
Trying to keep real
But deep down inside
Only I know how I feel.
Underneath I'm a coward
And scared of pain
Which for someone so fucked up
Is rather insane.
Would it hurt so much
To slash my wrist
Ironically it would have been easier
When I was pissed.
Or strip off naked
And walk into the sea
Would anyone really notice
The end of me?
In my head it's all so crazy
Thoughts always changing
Oh so hazy.
I do understand if I choose to die
There would be lots of people
Who'd choose to cry.
I have no idea
When it will be that day
But for the moment
It's my poetry
Keeping it at bay.

Dulwich Poet 2nd October 2013

(I can't recall why I wrote this, but it is sort of about I've always felt more fucked up, crazy if you like, that people have noticed, or I let on)