"For The Chop"

I'm really selfishly scared
Don't want to be any less of a man
All I want is save my big toe
If I possibly can.
Story of my life
Been rubbish with my health
Now an open ulcer under my toe
Has infected my bone by stealth.
Having to take daily antibiotics
Fed direct into my arm
Outwardly acting normal
No cause for alarm.
If all the treatment don't work
My toe's for the chop
I'll only be fit for purpose
When I got on a footballing groundhop.
Losing my big fat pinkie
To save the rest of the foot
That's what the consultant said
The way the words were put.
Got to put my trust in medication
All I can do at the end of the day
Clasp my hands together
And begin to pray.
Ask my Football God Edgar Kail
To get me through this time
Hoping beyond all hope
Everything will be fine.
Fearing for the worst
Even though I'm not going to die
It's not as though as I've got cancer
I'm not going to die.
But everywhere I go
It's by bus or train
I doubt I'll ever be able to walk long distance
Never, ever again.
Such a little bit of me
Nothing like losing an arm or a leg
I'm not going to be out of a job
Or sit on the street and beg.
It's the worry in my head
Starting to do my nut
Alone in bed late at night
Panicking my toe will be cut.
I should have looked after myself better
For decades chucking down the beers
Then not taking my diabetes seriously
In my sober years.
Despite being the youngest
From a family of four
I'm sure I'll be the first to die
And it's just round the door. 
I'd love to be a hundred
But I think that's passed me by
I've never had ambition 
Don't want to reach for the sky.
Yet there's so many cities
Places I want to go
Having a minor amputation
Would be such a blow.
If I get through this
It's time for a bit more travel
Missing some Dulwich games to do so
Won't make my life unravel.
Bottom line is it's only a small bit
Proper raspberry I won't be
Not what they call life-changing
But will seem like that to me.
Need to be positive
Time to soldier on
If the worst comes to the worst
It's only my big toe that's gone.

Dulwich Poet 15th May 2018

( A foot ulcer infection has gone to the bone. I am on daily injected and oral antibiotics for six weeks, then oral ones for a further six weeks. If the bone infection is not stopped my left big toe will almost certainly be amputated...)