"The Wrong 'un"

I've got this young mate
He's perfect in every way
Well except for for one flaw
The fact he's not gay!
Despite the generation gap
Our friendship's more important than that
He always there when I need him
For a confidential chat.
I don't have many friends
Close friends even less
He's my safety valve
When I'm feeling under stress.
His life isn't always great
His dad died at a young age
His mum's got an alcoholic partner
That should fill him with rage.
Some times it does
Going home can be rough
But he keeps it all together
When the going gets tough.
I'm so full of admiration
For the way he's coped so far
Because inside his head
He must carry many a mental scar.
So what makes him a "wrong 'un"?
Perhaps his only flaw
What is it that really annoys me
When I tell him what for?
The answer's really shocking
He can't stand pie and mash
And whenever it's mentioned
We have a verbal clash.
How can he not be in love
With 'double,double' on a plate
The greatest dish on earth
Is simply something NOT to hate!
It's not as if he shouldn't like it
He's Sarf Lunnon through and through
I've tried to convince him of the culinary beauty
Don't know what more I can do.
Handcuff him to a table
Manacle him to the chair
Force feed him pie, mash and liquor 
One day I will do it
I really fucking swear!
Down on one knee begging him
To try a single on a plate
And hope he doesn't realise
It's my fantasy of a date!
The bonus of it is
If it really turns him off
I'll scrape it all over mine
With more for me to scoff.
He genuinely is a good friend
One not sure I deserve
And this is his only flaw
That hits my raw nerve.
Not something I'll kill him for
Though it's such a heinous crime
Thankfully we don't have the death penalty
Not sure if I'd do the time.
If this were America
And the electric chair was my fate
At least I'd have the comfort of a last meal
With pie and mash on my plate!

Dulwich Poet 14th May 2018

(A young mate of mine says that pie and mash is disgusting. Shame on him!)