Today is Fathers Day
Just another date
Forgive me if I'm not happy
Got other stuff on my plate.
In all honesty I made that up
I'm indifferent to it all
I never much loved him
Going back to when I was small.
A bit of me always cared
But 'love' was a thing we rarely said
I spent most of my young life
Wishing he was dead.
Yet when the moment came
I shed tears and cried
But only for the dad I never knew
The strange part of him that died.
I won't miss his demons
The gambling and the drunk
The way he treated my mum
He never lived like a monk.
He was never one to hit her
But in vodka a demon possessed
It broke her heart when he croaked it
Even if she could finally rest.
Hand on heart I never felt parental love
The way I played up
Didn't actually deserve it
When push comes to a shove.
Looking back I'm not angry
Just the way cards were dealt
And at least I wasn't beaten much
Not suffering with a belt.
I probably brought some of it on
Being the runt of the litter
I felt I was as to blame as much as them
No point in feeling bitter.
Would I change anything?
I'd rather not think that way
Just coping with the right now
Is how I keep my demons at bay.
I guess I wish we'd spoke more
Had the relationship we never had
But the way I grew up
Leaves me no more than sad.
Would it have been too much to ask
An occasional hug or kiss
The things ordinary folk take for granted
Sound like unattainable bliss.
Is it any wonder
When all is said and done
That I turned against them
And felt the unloved son?
You both wrecked my life
Making me the insecure person I am
The way you treated me and I reacted
Felt like none of us gave a damn.
You never taught me to love
I don't know how to hug and hold
To scared to even love myself
So I come across as cold.
As I reach the autumn of my life
I'm too far gone to change
It's something I've come to accept
Which you probably feel is strange.
It's the little things that keep me going
Sobriety, new grounds and rhyme
I've genuinely got no expectations
I'm way past my prime.
On a good day I wake up in the morning
Simply content to be alive
Wanting any more than that would be pointless
Even if I dared to strive.
So forgive me if I don't get pleasure
From when you share Happy Fathers or Mothers Day posts
It's not that I'm not pleased for you
I'm just hiding from my demons and ghosts.
Dulwich Poet 17th June 2018
(I wrote this on Fathers Day, in response to so many 'Happy Fathers Day' posts on Facebook)
Sunday 17 June 2018
"Freundschaft"
Sometimes things happen by accident
Or is it meant to be fate
Meeting by luck or chance
Where a stranger becomes a mate.
An ice cold frozen November
A few hundred in the ground
The snow-covered Adolf-Jager-Kampfbahn
Was the groundhop found.
A welcoming fanzine seller
Who went by the name of Jan
And from that little acorn
Grew this weekend's plan.
It feels like I've got a new family
So much love from Altona 93
Who've embraced Dulwich Hamlet strangers
Including you and me.
This trip shouldn't happen
Something our Club couldn't afford
All of our supporters dug deep
Everyone on board.
Over three years of planning
Untold people mucking in
I can't really say Thank You
I don't know where to begin.
But one thing I do know
When I thought my endeavours would fail
I was always strengthened by my faith
In the spirits of Adolf Jager and Edgar Kail.
Even if I live to be a hundred
Nothing will beat Dulwich Hamlet playing here
So if you see me dabbing myself with a tissue
Please excuse me for shedding a tear.
Dulwich Poet 17th June 2018
( After over three years of fundraising, in less than a month Dulwich Hamlet will be going to Hamburg for a two game pre-season tour, all team expenses for the trip raised by the fans. The trip would not have been possible with that, and it celebrates the friendship and the 125th anniversary of both Dulwich Hamlet and our close friends Altona 93)
Or is it meant to be fate
Meeting by luck or chance
Where a stranger becomes a mate.
An ice cold frozen November
A few hundred in the ground
The snow-covered Adolf-Jager-Kampfbahn
Was the groundhop found.
A welcoming fanzine seller
Who went by the name of Jan
And from that little acorn
Grew this weekend's plan.
It feels like I've got a new family
So much love from Altona 93
Who've embraced Dulwich Hamlet strangers
Including you and me.
This trip shouldn't happen
Something our Club couldn't afford
All of our supporters dug deep
Everyone on board.
Over three years of planning
Untold people mucking in
I can't really say Thank You
I don't know where to begin.
But one thing I do know
When I thought my endeavours would fail
I was always strengthened by my faith
In the spirits of Adolf Jager and Edgar Kail.
Even if I live to be a hundred
Nothing will beat Dulwich Hamlet playing here
So if you see me dabbing myself with a tissue
Please excuse me for shedding a tear.
Dulwich Poet 17th June 2018
( After over three years of fundraising, in less than a month Dulwich Hamlet will be going to Hamburg for a two game pre-season tour, all team expenses for the trip raised by the fans. The trip would not have been possible with that, and it celebrates the friendship and the 125th anniversary of both Dulwich Hamlet and our close friends Altona 93)
Wednesday 13 June 2018
"Mates"
He's never shy of work
Going for a job
Not afraid of graft
To earn a few bob.
You hear about youngsters
The lazy and feckless git
Dossing in bed all day
Never giving a shit.
Stereotype dealing in drugs
To make extra dosh
Running with nasty gangs
When life's got you under the cosh.
Carry knives and guns
To prove you're a man
All of those false assumptions
Ain't in this young man's plan.
Turning his hand to anything
A bit of this and that
Mending bicycles down the market
Cooking Thai food
Slaving over hot fat.
Paying out of his own pocket
For his coaching qualification
Such a positive attitude
A role model for the nation.
Any bit of adversity
Doesn't get him down
Keeping his above water
Instead of giving up to drown.
Every knock he faces
He picks himself up again
I've got so much respect for him
Which I'm doing through my pen.
He's going on a journey
One that's only just begun
When he gets to the top of his profession
What a tale to be spun!
I've no doubt one day he'll make it
A top football coach
One that becomes so good
Everyone will want to poach.
He's also my inspiration
Outwardly full of hope
My sort of safety valve
When I'm struggling to cope.
Having time to help
If I'm in a bit of a mess
Keeping a confidentiality
If I've got something to confess.
I really do love him
But in a weird sort of way
I wouldn't even touch him
If he was the slightest bit gay.
It's such a weird friendship
A huge generation gap
I can even forgive him
For constantly playing rap.
I wish I could thank him
With a little peck on the cheek
In the way your Europeans do
Every day of the week.
A manly British hug
But I'm too scared to be affectionate that way
Scared it'll ruin our close bond
And he'll think I'm making a play.
He's out on the road right now
Taking an Argos driving test
Pass or fail at that
For me he's still the best.
Not just someone who knows me
They'd be an acquaintance not a friend
When I'm broken inside
He knows how to help me mend.
Not sure if he realises
I don't have many muckers
Loneliness can be hard for me
One of life's 'Bill-No-Mates' old fuckers.
Sometimes I can't get my words out
I struggle to speak from the heart
In truth my social skills are rubbish
I don't know where to start.
It's easier through my poetry
Expressing what I mean
So this is what I'm doing
To a friend who's still a teen.
You've got me through a tough time
When i didn't know what to do
So if ever you need to talk
I hope I'm there for you.
Not sure if you'll like this piece
It might end up in the bin
No matter, what I'm trying to say
Is thanks for everything, Finn!
Dulwich Poet 13th June 2018
(I have a bit of a struggle mentally really, and a young mate from football has been there to help...I didn't know how to express it properly, so wrote this poem for him. Fortunately he seemed to like it when I gave it to him...)
Going for a job
Not afraid of graft
To earn a few bob.
You hear about youngsters
The lazy and feckless git
Dossing in bed all day
Never giving a shit.
Stereotype dealing in drugs
To make extra dosh
Running with nasty gangs
When life's got you under the cosh.
Carry knives and guns
To prove you're a man
All of those false assumptions
Ain't in this young man's plan.
Turning his hand to anything
A bit of this and that
Mending bicycles down the market
Cooking Thai food
Slaving over hot fat.
Paying out of his own pocket
For his coaching qualification
Such a positive attitude
A role model for the nation.
Any bit of adversity
Doesn't get him down
Keeping his above water
Instead of giving up to drown.
Every knock he faces
He picks himself up again
I've got so much respect for him
Which I'm doing through my pen.
He's going on a journey
One that's only just begun
When he gets to the top of his profession
What a tale to be spun!
I've no doubt one day he'll make it
A top football coach
One that becomes so good
Everyone will want to poach.
He's also my inspiration
Outwardly full of hope
My sort of safety valve
When I'm struggling to cope.
Having time to help
If I'm in a bit of a mess
Keeping a confidentiality
If I've got something to confess.
I really do love him
But in a weird sort of way
I wouldn't even touch him
If he was the slightest bit gay.
It's such a weird friendship
A huge generation gap
I can even forgive him
For constantly playing rap.
I wish I could thank him
With a little peck on the cheek
In the way your Europeans do
Every day of the week.
A manly British hug
But I'm too scared to be affectionate that way
Scared it'll ruin our close bond
And he'll think I'm making a play.
He's out on the road right now
Taking an Argos driving test
Pass or fail at that
For me he's still the best.
Not just someone who knows me
They'd be an acquaintance not a friend
When I'm broken inside
He knows how to help me mend.
Not sure if he realises
I don't have many muckers
Loneliness can be hard for me
One of life's 'Bill-No-Mates' old fuckers.
Sometimes I can't get my words out
I struggle to speak from the heart
In truth my social skills are rubbish
I don't know where to start.
It's easier through my poetry
Expressing what I mean
So this is what I'm doing
To a friend who's still a teen.
You've got me through a tough time
When i didn't know what to do
So if ever you need to talk
I hope I'm there for you.
Not sure if you'll like this piece
It might end up in the bin
No matter, what I'm trying to say
Is thanks for everything, Finn!
Dulwich Poet 13th June 2018
(I have a bit of a struggle mentally really, and a young mate from football has been there to help...I didn't know how to express it properly, so wrote this poem for him. Fortunately he seemed to like it when I gave it to him...)
Thursday 7 June 2018
"Germany Calling!"
Can't believe it's happening
I'm going to be Altona bound
Gonna to be such a special moment
When my plane takes off the ground.
Got the ok from the doctors
Oral antibiotics next week
My wound and toe's not yet healed
But the future's not so bleak.
This trip would mean the world to me
My Dulwich Hamlet holy grail
Not entirely sure how I'd coped
If it was all to no avail.
By that I mean not going
Selfish, I know you'll say
But what's kept my sanity over the last season
Is anticipating The Hamlet and Altona play.
A once in a lifetime opportunity
Genuine fusion of football friends
That's why it was so vital
To see that my big toe mends.
To say that I am buzzing
Given the clearance to go
Means more than anything to me
More than you will ever know.
A huge cloud has been lifted
Inside tranquil and calm
For weeks I've being doing my nut in
Internally living on a funny farm.
That's the problem with me
Outside I look 'normal' at best
Inside I'm top of the waiting list
For "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest".
Gonna step back after this tour
Taken so much to achieve
Dream realised by help from so many others
Who had the faith in me to believe.
Six years on the Committee
It was time for me to step down
I know this trip's ultimately due to me
Despite some new-veau's thinking I'm a clown.
I've never done what I do for popularity
Or to receive pats on the back
I don't want to be immortalised
On a soon to be forgotten plaque.
It's simply for the love
Of my little Football Club
And partly as a penance
For all those years wasted down the pub.
This tour would NEVER have happened
Without my determination and drive
It will be one of those genuinely rare moments in my life
When I'm so glad to be alive.
Dulwich Poet 7th June 2018
( I wrote this after finding out I can travel to Germany to see the 125th anniversary tour for Dulwich Hamlet, culminating with a special match against Altona 93)
I'm going to be Altona bound
Gonna to be such a special moment
When my plane takes off the ground.
Got the ok from the doctors
Oral antibiotics next week
My wound and toe's not yet healed
But the future's not so bleak.
This trip would mean the world to me
My Dulwich Hamlet holy grail
Not entirely sure how I'd coped
If it was all to no avail.
By that I mean not going
Selfish, I know you'll say
But what's kept my sanity over the last season
Is anticipating The Hamlet and Altona play.
A once in a lifetime opportunity
Genuine fusion of football friends
That's why it was so vital
To see that my big toe mends.
To say that I am buzzing
Given the clearance to go
Means more than anything to me
More than you will ever know.
A huge cloud has been lifted
Inside tranquil and calm
For weeks I've being doing my nut in
Internally living on a funny farm.
That's the problem with me
Outside I look 'normal' at best
Inside I'm top of the waiting list
For "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest".
Gonna step back after this tour
Taken so much to achieve
Dream realised by help from so many others
Who had the faith in me to believe.
Six years on the Committee
It was time for me to step down
I know this trip's ultimately due to me
Despite some new-veau's thinking I'm a clown.
I've never done what I do for popularity
Or to receive pats on the back
I don't want to be immortalised
On a soon to be forgotten plaque.
It's simply for the love
Of my little Football Club
And partly as a penance
For all those years wasted down the pub.
This tour would NEVER have happened
Without my determination and drive
It will be one of those genuinely rare moments in my life
When I'm so glad to be alive.
Dulwich Poet 7th June 2018
( I wrote this after finding out I can travel to Germany to see the 125th anniversary tour for Dulwich Hamlet, culminating with a special match against Altona 93)
Wednesday 6 June 2018
"5th Floor Balcony"
I can hear the wind
Whistling through
Whispering to me
In a strange language
That I don't understand.
A bit like poetry
As I am sat here.
The whole balcony
Almost my own.
Manners maketh the man
Resting my bad foot up
On the adjacent seat
Under the protection
Of yesterday's 'Metro'
Which resisted the attempt
To turn into
The traditional
Fish and chip paper. Except...
We don't really do that
Here in London.
And a rude commuter type
I am not.
Trains rumbling below
Children cheerfully
Chattering and whooping
Fountain unseen
Four floors down.
Opposite of old times
Heard but not seen.
A bit like me
As I hide up here
At peace
Content with the world
Knowing that
In just over a month
I WILL be in Hamburg!
Where I DESPERATELY
Want to be. A bit like now:
Resting. Reading.
Relaxing. Writing.
Inwardly rejoicing
Possibly on the mend.
As lonely as I may seem here
The happiest I have been
For months
Not including
Promotion, naturally.
No fancy words needed.
Just simple
Working Class Poetry
For a simple
Working Class Bloke
Like me.
Dulwich Poet 6th June 2018
(I wrote this sat on the open air balcony, overlooking the Thames, at the Festival Hall, having been told a few days earlier that my daily dose of injected antibiotics will be stopped and I will change to oral tablets, meaning I can go on the Altona tour!)
Whistling through
Whispering to me
In a strange language
That I don't understand.
A bit like poetry
As I am sat here.
The whole balcony
Almost my own.
Manners maketh the man
Resting my bad foot up
On the adjacent seat
Under the protection
Of yesterday's 'Metro'
Which resisted the attempt
To turn into
The traditional
Fish and chip paper. Except...
We don't really do that
Here in London.
And a rude commuter type
I am not.
Trains rumbling below
Children cheerfully
Chattering and whooping
Fountain unseen
Four floors down.
Opposite of old times
Heard but not seen.
A bit like me
As I hide up here
At peace
Content with the world
Knowing that
In just over a month
I WILL be in Hamburg!
Where I DESPERATELY
Want to be. A bit like now:
Resting. Reading.
Relaxing. Writing.
Inwardly rejoicing
Possibly on the mend.
As lonely as I may seem here
The happiest I have been
For months
Not including
Promotion, naturally.
No fancy words needed.
Just simple
Working Class Poetry
For a simple
Working Class Bloke
Like me.
Dulwich Poet 6th June 2018
(I wrote this sat on the open air balcony, overlooking the Thames, at the Festival Hall, having been told a few days earlier that my daily dose of injected antibiotics will be stopped and I will change to oral tablets, meaning I can go on the Altona tour!)
Tuesday 5 June 2018
"The Waiting Game"
Waiting for my next appointment
Am worried about my toe
But honest truth be told
It's to Altona I want to go.
This trip means the world
Will be one of the highlights of my life
More than chopping off part of my foot
That's causing me so much strife.
My body's fighting back
With antibiotics pumped through
Until I go to Germany
I really don't know what to do.
Going to see The Hamlet in Altona
Means more than you'll ever know
Such dark thoughts inside if I'm not there
You really don't want to know.
I scared of what I'll do
So frightened if I do not
It's desperately hard to keep level-headed
Even though it's the only hope I've got.
Don't know what the future holds
But I've got to make this trip
At stake is a lot more
Than my big toe giving me gyp.
This anniversary football tour
Is so close to my heart
If I can't make it
Will really tear me apart.
Put my faith in the doctors
Praying to Edgar they let me go
I really don't want to contemplate
How i'll react if they say no!
Dulwich Poet 5th June 2018
(I wrote this in the waiting room, before I see a consultant, five weeks into a six week course of intravenous antibiotics, and five weeks before Dulwich Hamlet are due for a once in a lifetime trip to Hamburg to play Altona 93)
Am worried about my toe
But honest truth be told
It's to Altona I want to go.
This trip means the world
Will be one of the highlights of my life
More than chopping off part of my foot
That's causing me so much strife.
My body's fighting back
With antibiotics pumped through
Until I go to Germany
I really don't know what to do.
Going to see The Hamlet in Altona
Means more than you'll ever know
Such dark thoughts inside if I'm not there
You really don't want to know.
I scared of what I'll do
So frightened if I do not
It's desperately hard to keep level-headed
Even though it's the only hope I've got.
Don't know what the future holds
But I've got to make this trip
At stake is a lot more
Than my big toe giving me gyp.
This anniversary football tour
Is so close to my heart
If I can't make it
Will really tear me apart.
Put my faith in the doctors
Praying to Edgar they let me go
I really don't want to contemplate
How i'll react if they say no!
Dulwich Poet 5th June 2018
(I wrote this in the waiting room, before I see a consultant, five weeks into a six week course of intravenous antibiotics, and five weeks before Dulwich Hamlet are due for a once in a lifetime trip to Hamburg to play Altona 93)
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