"On Your Bike"

Without a doubt
If I had the clout
Cyclists would be
In Room 101
Failing that
I’d get a gun
And shoot them down
Just for fun.
My mouth breaks into a smirk
When one gets crushed
On the way to work.
Well if we accept
People die once in a while
Why not one of those
That makes me smile?
Two wheels might be better
For the planet
Just keep the fuck off
My pavement granite.
Charging down on my space
You scream I’m in the way
From your contorted face.
Well if that’s the case
Two can play…
When you jump the lights
I’ll step out late
If it makes you angry
Then bleedin’ great!
Of course there’s a chance
I could get hurt
But it’s so much fun
Pissing off a lycra shirt.
And don’t get me started
On the late night crush
Your bike on my train
And it all goes hush
Muttering abounds but we’re too polite
To push you off into the night.
So we get crushed
Like sardines in a tin
Because you’re too pissed to ride home
And squeeze your bike in.
Call me old fashioned
But a bike’s to cycle home on
Not a contraption to carry home
When you’re too far gone.
If only I could choose
Who falls under a lorry
A wonderful death
Where the driver’s not sorry
My ultimate dream
Is of Boris going splat
Crushed while wearing
His cycling hat!
Dulwich Poet 4^th November 2013
(Cyclists are a pain. The ones who jump lights, ride on pavements, bring their bikes on late trains home because they’re too drunk, or plain too lazy to ride them.  If one gets killed on our streets then I have no sympathy, and would only get upset if it ever happens to family or friends of mine.)