"Kicking The Bucket List..."

What would your first choice be
On your 'bucket list'?
Imagine being able to choose
All the things that you've missed.
Isn't that depressing
What a glum thought
The fantasies and dreams
That can never be bought.
Constant erections
And rent boys on tap
If I ever won the lottery
I'd fritter it on
Dirty Old Man crap.
Some of the things
I'll never obtain
Just thinking about it
Is bringing me pain.
Having the confidence
To look up and smile
A row of pearly whites
Would be top of the pile.
Being taken to a nightclub
And being able to dance.
Popping over the Channel
To converse with the locals in France.
Going to bed at night
And cuddling up with another boy
Instead of being all alone
With a cold cuddly toy.
Shopping at the supermarket
For a big joint of meat
Without counting the pennies
For it to be a rare treat.
Getting home without junk
All over the floor
Inviting a friend or two in
Unashamed to open the door.
My mind plays tricks
And I still crave a drink
Want to go back to a gallon of beer a night
Which is what I would sink.
I want six numbers on the lottery
The mythical lucky flutter
Can I please be normal
Rather than the 'closet nutter'?
Even if I had the money
There's one thing that can never be bought
Me having an ordinary life
That I won't cut short.
I'll never be 'normal'
Until I put my cards on the table
And accept to myself
I'm emotionally unstable.
It's not just about alcohol
That old A.A. line
I need to get would up less
And think 'one day at a time'
It might not make me better
And I'll still mentally whine
But to outsiders looking in
My life will be fine.

Dulwich Poet 20th August 2014

(A mix of what I'd like on my 'bucket list', but really what's wrong with my life...)