"Contemplating"

I'm relaxing in the Begijnhof
Such a quiet place
Surrounded by untold tourists
Who've found this 'secret' space.
Only a few hours until
I'm London bound
Chilling with book and biro
In this so-called hallowed ground.
Sat alone on a bench
Watching the world go by
Notebook and pen for poetry
Comes easy when I try.
This birthday trip's been marvellous
No stresses calm and content
A bit like I've been feeling
Since I found a room to rent.
I'm not a man of money
I just survive and cope
When I am felling down
It's the poetry gives me hope.
I don't know what the future holds
I've got no crystal ball
But now I've turned fifty
I've got to set the 'rest of my life' stall.
Half a century of insecurity
Half a century of waste
Now I've probably got less than half of that left
It's time for reality to be faced.
What has happened has happened
I can't change the past
I really need to believe in myself
It's time to change at last.
Yet I can't shake off this weirdness
Not sure if I can cope with 'inner-calm'
When I've spend decades thinking
I belong on the 'funny farm'.
So many things I want to do
In whatever years I've got to live
I want to do what's right for me
And know I've got so much to give.
Maybe this holiday is telling me
It's time to sort out my life
I am really fed up with having
An existence full of strife.
Who knows if I can do it
But it must come from within
All of my negativeness
Needs to be chucked in the bin.
I love my Dulwich Hamlet
But sometimes it wears me down
I sense the time ain't too distant
For me to get out of town?
By that I don't mean leaving London
My city's in my heart
But maybe I should be less involved
Making a fresh terrace start.
Finish the projects I'm planning
Then taking a BIG step back
Just going to games as I please
Getting my life back.
Going to other games
Being able to pick and choose
In truth it doesn't matter if I'm there
For The Hamlet to win or lose.
I love what I do
Helping my Club gives me pleasure
But maybe not too far in the future
I want my spare time for MY leisure.
At the moment that's the future
There's still this season and next
I'm not just going to walk away
Just put it in context.
All I'm looking at
Is doing what's right for me
And if that means being less involved at Dulwich
Then what will be will be.


Dulwich Poet 28th October 2016




(I wrote this before I left Amsterdam earlier today. Sat in a 'hidden secret' on the tourist trail, a small hidden square, by a chapel, just off of the main shopping streets. Depsite all the toursits, still very peaceful)