"On Your Bike"

Here I am in Groningen
A proper two wheel town
Unlike the bodge job from Boris
Our ex-Mayor of London clown.
Zooming round the streets
Sometimes passengers back or front
Zipping in and out of pedestrians
Not acting like a cunt.
Even I could be converted
If I lived in this cycle city
Not a cat in hells chance of that
When the London ones are so shitty.
Trying to run me down
As they jump the lights
Just as well there's cameras
Or I'd be in a ton of fights.
Riding on my pavements
Tempers start to fray
Jump off if you want some
Go ahead punk make my day.
The Dutch have got it sorted
Cyclists kings of the road with pride
Sticking to their cycling lanes
I'll happily step aside.
Back home I really hate them
Would love to kill them dead
With chicken wire from war films
Decapitating their head.
I'd send them single file through their 'super' highways
Where we could all pelt them with eggs
Then we'd see how strong they are
Peddling their not quite Bradley Wiggins legs.
I really shouldn't say this
But I smile when they're under a truck
As long as it's a cyclist I don't know
I really don't give a fuck.
And don't get me started
On the ones that are such a pain
The smug 'better-than-me' tossers
Who bring pushbikes on a train.
Blocking up the doors
Chaos at every stop
When I dare to have a moan
You throw an indignant strop.
Your contraption takes up three spaces
Yet you've got a ticket for one
While the rest of us are squashed up
I wish I had a gun!
In Holland they have manners
Tinkling their cycle bell
To ours who try to take on lorries
I hope you end up in hell.
So three cheers to the cloggies
You're the cyclists I like
To those ignorant ones back in London
On your fucking bike!

Dulwich Poet 23rd October 2016

(I visited the Dutch town of Groningen today. It seemed the main mode of transport was a bicycle. As someone who has never been a fan of cyclists this poem is the closest you will get to 'praise' for them from me!)