"First Day Shakes"

It seems so long ago
But A.A. in Brussels brought it back
Is it really over fifteen years ago
That I finally decided to crack?
For what I pretended was normality
I could take no more
Lying in bed thinking I was dying
Poison out of every pore.
Complete alcohol poisoning 
Of a real severe kind
Shaking, shivering and sweating
Going totally out of my mind.
I'll always be grateful to my mate Andy
Who I asked to take me to A.A.
I was scared shitless at that first meeting
When we went the very next day.
I'm not sure if he knows it
But early doors he was my rock
I genuinely mean that from the heart
So please try not to mock.
He'd been an old drinking partner
We were pissheads to the hilt
No idea why we're alkies
Just the way we're built.
No need to question why
The important thing is I got to stop
Whatever my failures are
Boozing was my prop.
Last night in Brussels
Sat in that English-speaking room
It brought me back to that first day
When giving up only spelt doom.
Yesterday the theme was Step Nine
Making amends to those you've hurt
Not something I've ever done
Too scared to rake up old dirt.
What might start as a short list
When would I stop writing it down
I dread to think how many dozens I've hurt
In every place and town.
There's times when I still miss it
Or is that madness in my head
For sure if I carried on getting pissed
I know for certain I'd be dead.
I'm just glad I stopped drinking
Over fifteen years now
All I want to do is not drink tomorrow
With that as my mantra and vow.

Dulwich Poet 27th March 2018

(On Monday night I went to an English speaking meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Brussels. It was a pleasure to be there, and it helped calm down my inner self as well as 'inspiring this poem)