"Killer Instinct?"

I'm not sure how old I was
Sixteen? Seventeen?
Eighteen, maybe?
Probablyyounger...vaguely sure
I was in my school blazer and shirt.
But I do know for certain
I was old enough
To know right from wrong.
Memories fade
It was over a quarter of a century ago
And the rest
When I half heartedly
Tried to kill a stranger.
Leaving him lying
Unconscious in dirt
Not knowing if he was dead
Or just badly hurt.
It wasn't something I planned in advance
Didn't do it in a trance
Such a long time ago
But I did it becacause I wanted to.
I can hardly recall
Was he a big bloke?
Or rather small?
He seemed old
But they all do when you're a teenager
Bunking off school.
The scene of the crime
Was a derelict demolished mansion
On the South Circular
Set back from the road
My guess is where
The Maggie houses are.
Clambering over brickwork
As bored youngsters do.
He spotted me first
Screamed and cursed
And there he was
A dosser having a drink
Traditional tin of Special Brew
He told me to bugger off, but not so nice
I didn't have to even think twice
Picked up a brick
And gave him a clout
Cleanly knocking his fuddled lights out
I was full of fear
Blood was pouring
From his nose and ear.
In for a penny in for a pound
Went through his pockets to find some
As he was on the ground.
Not even enough for a pint of beer
Which is why he was drinking alone here.
Part of me wanted more claret to flow
To hit him harder how far would I go?
The other bit of me wanted to
Undo his belt
Wanting to see what a
Grown up cock felt.
I decided to give both a miss
Even though either would have been bliss.
I was more scared of being the prison melt
If the Borstal boys knew how I felt.
I didn't know if that stranger
Was alive or dead
For weeks after I worried in bed
Scouring papers for a death
Seeing if a drunk had had his last breath.
I guess I was just to young to follow it through
Now I probably won't; or maybe I will?
Deep inside I know I could kill
With middle age 'wisdom' I know I'll cope
As I'm not so scared of 'dropping the soap'!

　

Dulwich Poet 11th May 2013

( When I was a youngster, I once attacked a dosser, for no reason, other than I wanted to at the time, and thought I had killed him)