"Bible Stories"

Just the man to be
On your party guest list
That water into wine trick
Would go down a treat
When the off licence is shut.

Everyone loves you
And you love them.
Perfect cover for stalking people.
With hindsight you should not have
Just left the fat ugly birds
For that Pontius Pilate bloke
At the Damascus Disco
Because he will get his own back eventually.

Supper might be a little boring at times.
Oh no, not fishes and loaves again.
Slice the lot and cover in breadcrumbs
Everyone likes a good fish finger sandwich.

Unfortunately there's the unwanted attention.
That Mary Magdalene bitch
Imagine being stalked by a tart
Who's a prick tease?
No wonder you ended up
Batting for the other side
And surrounded yourself
With twelves blokes.

Still, at least you can trust your mates.
It's not a sin to be greedy
More human nature
If we're honest about it
But he wasn't was he?
If it wasn't for those bastard nails
You would have jumped down
And kicked shit out of that
Bastard Judas turncoat.

Can't complain too much though
They didn't expect you
To fake your own death did they?
And I reckon you only played dead
As it had been a baking
Hot day up on the cross
Whereas it was nice and cool
Down in the cave.

Herod hunted you as a boy
So you did well to live so long
Can't believe the silly old sod
Fell for the wicker basket routine.
But fair play to you
For conning him like that

Right old palava you had
With the money lenders
Down at the temple
You got the right hump
Turning the tables over
Reckon you were a bit of a
Bushwacker on the sly.
Shame your book was a bestseller
Gave bad ideas to the Wonga brigade.
But at least it means
You've got more principles
Than your average Geordie.
Were there any casinos
Down your way.
Not that it would have mattered.
Camera phones weren't invented
Back in your day.

In the end everyone
Got their revenge though
Well they thought they did
But didn't bank on your
Bloody magnificent, if I may say do
Reggie Perrin impression
On the cross.
Even though Leonard Rossiter
Is a great actor
He wasn't a patch
On your performance
Where you even made
David Blaine look an amateur.

Seems I'm not the only one
Who hasn't got faith in you
That Thomas bloke wasn't too keen either.
Can't blame him really
Some hippie bloke turns up
Scruffy smelly git as well
Doesn't even like dipping
Into the river for a wash
Makes it part away from him
With one of his magic tricks.
To be honest the jury's out with me
Can't decide if you're a
Tommy Cooper fraud
Or a kosher Paul Daniels.

Truth be told
I'm not a fan of yours
They say the lord works
In mysterious ways,well...
I've just thought of something
Which I've never ever thought of before,
A bit like you in the cave
I'm going to get my rocks off.
If I had been in the crowd
As you were banged up to the cross
I wouldn't have gone home
When the sun set.
There was nothing on telly
For nearly two thousand years anyway.
I'd have stayed the night
With that Magdeline woman.
As she tried to mop your brow
But was too scared to go further
I'd have shoved her out of the way
Undone the cloth covering your modesty
And have given you the blow job
That she hadn't the courage to do.
You might have been cross
But what could you have done
Nailed to one as you came
Much to her annoyance
Wondering why she hadn't
Acted like the harlot everyone thought
She was. She never swallowed
The Body of Christ.
Amen.

Dulwich Poet 26th July 2013

(I had no idea where this would go. The initial idea was to have a short poem, eleven lines, all starting with the individual letters in 'Jesus Christ'. I copied the idea from a poem called 'In the name of the Lord'; which was a 13 liner, by John Hegley; which was in his compilation ''Can I Come down Now Dad', published in 1991. But it didn't quite work like that, and the jumble above is what came out of my head!)

(I read this at 'Outsider Performers', part of the Shuffle Festival , which was on the sit of St. Clements Hospital, Bow, E3.)